Reflection
by TheEvilLeague
Summary: An older initiate who has trouble relating to others learns important lessons about character growth. sometime during the first JA books


The young girl gazed up at the twinkling stars amidst the still-busy sky above Corescant. She allowed her mind to drift into the nothingness of the world outside of the temple, letting all present thoughts be whisked away with the chilled breeze that rustled her robe. Wrapping her cloak tighter around her small body, she closed her eyes and let her mind spread like smoke into the force around her. She tested her surroundings, scanning it for other people. Now, sure that she was alone, the little girl closed off all awareness of her physical body and allowed her mind to be carried away by the current of the Force.

She knew she wasn't ready to handle what she would find in a deep meditation without the help of the masters, so for now, she settled for a simple exercise. Though her eyes were closed, she opened up her mind's eye to the living force around her to _see_ her surroundings. She sensed the firmness of the stone bench on which she was seated, its chill from the night air, and the soothing warmth of the spot where she sat. Spreading her senses further, she saw the fountain across from the courtyard in front of her. She noticed how each individual drop hit the water sending even tinier drops and particles into the air.

There was a pattern to way it all worked. The way a branch swayed from a slight breeze, or how each particle of sand left on the ground by the feet of other people skittered across the ground, wearing down the stone tiles with the help of more weathering over the years. It was a puzzle how it all worked together so perfectly, how nothing was ever out of place, yet always in motion. All the answers were there. She had only to look and listen to what it had to say.

So she took it all in, marveling at its beauty with a respect that a little voice inside her quietly reminded her was how she _should_ treat the masters. _No_, she thought_, I will not 0let that distract me now_. With that, she dismissed the thought and guilt that trailed behind it, and continued on her journey through the Force.

* * *

The girl's eyes snapped open with a start. She looked around, faintly disoriented. She realized that the faint glow of the morning's light was illuminating the gardens. She couldn't remember what had torn her out of her tranceThe masters would not be happy if they knew she had been out this late and missed curfew. She caught the twinge of another presence slowly approaching her position near the fountain. It was a truly strong presence, which could only mean that it was one of the Masters. The girl looked around frantically; searching for a way to escape undetected. 

She was about to make a mad dash toward the doors to the temple, when she stopped herself. She had nothing to hide, so why was she running? She had only been meditating. What was wrong with that? _Then why do I feel so guilty?_ She sighed, stuck in a moment of indecision. _Whoever it was wouldn't be out here unless they already knew that I was, too, so there is no use in leaving now. But that makes no sense_. She shook her head, almost laughing out loud at her own paranoia._ He is probably just out here for an early morning meditation._ That left only one logical action.

She cleared her mind of all her present fear, and reached out to locate the approaching Master. Guided now by a heavy conscience, she made her way to intercept whomever it was that was wondering the gardens. She would meet up with the Master and apologize for her irresponsibility.

She made her way through the winding pathways, following the Force-beacon. She finally turned a corner, and nearly collided with him. Both stopped short, and stared at each other. The girl found herself looking up to a man that towered over her by half a meter.

It was too difficult to tell by the dim, morning light, but he looked very much like the holos she had seen of the mighty knight, Master Qui-gon Jinn. He just stared back down at her with deep, questioning eyes. Neither spoke. The girl finally looked away, slightly embarrassed. That was when he spoke up.

"A little early to be out by yourself, don't you think?" He kept his tone neutral, but his eyes were knowing. She looked back up at those eyes, and found the courage to speak.

"I was meditating in the garden, and I lost track of the time." Even after she said it, she knew that the statement was only partly true. She could have stopped at any time. The only that thing that she had lost was the motivation to obey curfew. Now, in the presence of a man she knew she couldn't fool, she realized how petty all her little rebellious acts were. She couldn't believe how long she had been fooling herself. She now knew exactly why another presence had startled her so. Deep down inside, she knew her actions were rebellious, she just couldn't admit to it. This revelation brought a wave of guilt, as well as relief.

But no sooner had she been free, then she wished she had been safe in her imprisonment. She suddenly felt very exposed in front of this man that she had never met. It was too late to bring up her mental shields. If the rumors were true, and this Qui-gon was as force-sensitive as everyone said, then hiding her feelings was useless. She was completely at his mercy now.

* * *

At first, Qui-gon had thought that he had finally found time away from all the commotion. He grew tired of the council constantly trying to push students onto him. He would chose a Padawan, but he would not have the decision made for him. And so he found himself unable to sleep this night after a long day of watching one after another show off for him, only hoping to win his favor. He had sought escape in the beautiful gardens, where he often found the piece and quiet he needed to think and settle his troubled mind. 

He hadn't expected anyone to be out there at such early hours of the morning, and yet here he was, facing a troubled little girl who couldn't be older than eleven. Had she been following me? No, he dismissed the thought immediately. He sensed something else coming from deep within the girl. Perhaps she was telling the truth when she told him that she was just meditating.

Just then, he felt something change in the girl. He only caught a glimpse of it, but that twinge turned to a complete transformation of the girl's mind. For a moment, it felt as though he could see straight into her soul, as if her darkest secrets had been blown wide open. In that moment, he saw her as a scared child, but then that child seemed to mature before his eyes. He suddenly saw her as a woman, tall and confident, no longer hiding her true self from anything.

It had happened in the briefest of moments, yet he was still stunned to have experienced it. He wasn't immediately sure how to react, but he decided that it was best for both of them if he proceeded as if nothing had happened.

"I often come out to the gardens when I want to be alone. I find its serenity soothing." He pointed over her shoulder towards the sound of the fountain, "I was just on my way to sit and meditate myself"

"I am sorry, I-I didn't mean to disturb you," she lowered her head, "I shouldn't be here now anyway. I should leave." Keeping her eyes on the ground, she bowed deeply to him. "Master." She turned to leave.

* * *

She could take a hint. He wanted to be alone, and she had sensed his deep-seated irritation when she first saw him despite his attempts to bury his feelings. She had gotten the hint enough times from all the other Masters when she would come to them with a question. She couldn't help but notice they had gradually grew annoyed with her strange questions. It was all too clear to the girl how they truly saw her as too troublesome - a lost cause. 

They never could hide their true feelings from her, even though they would bury their emotions immediately after surfacing. One would think that in being Masters, they would be more capable of keeping their feelings from students such as her. She knew their intentions were not to hurt her in any way, but the thoughts she sensed from some of her Masters and peers were more damaging than any words they could have spoken. She sensed how most looked down at her as a pest, a lost cause to be rid of, but she also knew that that was no reason to get angry. She almost laughed out loud at the thought of a stupid case of teenage rebellion clouding her judgment for so long. That was why she now excepted this Master's rebuke quietly and painlessly. She felt wiser for it, and yet, it seemed wrong. Maybe...

The girl found her pace slowing, daring the Master to call her to turn back. She suddenly felt very alone. It wasn't something she had never felt, despite the way her peers constantly shunned her. The Force had always been her ally, but now, for the first time, she found herself actually longing for human fellowship. It was then that she realized that it was almost as if she was feeling that Master's longing, like he was silently calling her back over time and space.

* * *

Qui-gon had silently watched the girl turn and walk away. At first, he was glad to be alone, but then he thought of how the girl's mind had shifted. She had seemed so new and fragile. He had been young once, and knew the change that was occurring so swiftly in her way of thinking. He figured that this would be a time when someone like himself should take the time to share a word or two of encouragement with her. He found himself wishing he could help her in her time of learning, but she was already leaving. 

Just then, the girl stopped, started to turn back to him, but then seemed to consider. _I think it's time I intervened_, he mused.

"Would you stay and allow me to have a word?" He ventured with a faint smile as she turned.

"If you wish, Master." She said, a little quicker than he expected. She made her way back to his side.

"What is your name?" He asked, as they walked slowly through the gardens. The girl seemed to hesitate for a moment, as if she hadn't been asked the question before. She looked up at him, "My name is Rashta," she said, then returned her gaze to the path ahead, "Rashta Kianna."

"I'm Qui-gon Jinn." He watched her for a moment, studying her. She was very well composed, and had a peace about her that he had never sensed in one so young, and yet, he also caught the glimpse of a deep-running sorrow in the girl's heart.

"Something troubles you, young Rashta." He said, his voice even.

"What do you mean?" She was curious, but something in his words hit their mark.

Qui-gon stopped, and looked her straight in the eye, reading her for a moment. "I sense a constant struggle in you, with an anger that is directed only at yourself. These are all dark things that must not be a part of you. You are fully aware of this fact, yet you choose to ignore it." He paused. "So tell me," he asked thoughtfully, "why do you choose to keep these dark things in your heart?"

The girl was obviously stirred by his words, for she had looked away. And yet, he sensed that she was looking more _within_, than away. After a long pause, she spoke, "I have always felt that I deserved it."

"No one deserves to live in the dark. You are only fooling yourself," he replied, "and it is time you decided for yourself how you wish to live the rest of your life."  
Her jaw clenched stubbornly, and her eyes shot open and she glared at him.

"And what of you?" She cried suddenly. "Is it not good enough that you fool yourself, but you must fool students into trusting you with their hopes and dreams?" Her eyes were blazing, not with anger but a fierce passion that Qui-gon thought impossible for such young eyes. "Yes, I've heard of you. The mysterious Master that comes every so often, looking for a new apprentice, but every single time, leaves unsatisfied. What are _you_ afraid of? Tell me, why do you let _your_ mistakes haunt _you_?"

Qui-gon stood, stunned at her accusations. Anger flared from deep in his chest, and he noticed the girl flinch, bracing for a blow. He stifled himself, but he still was upset with the girl for showing such disrespect. And yet, deep down inside he knew that the girl had a point. He figured he'd better answer the question- for both himself, and the girl. He knew the answer. He had known it for a long time.

"I fear making the same mistake I did with my last apprentice." He finally said.  
The girl looked at him compassionately, "Then why do you bother coming back to take another one?"

"Because deep down, Rashta, I still have hope that I can right my wrong." He said. He looked into her eyes, "but you disagree?"

"No," she looked away, her voice distant, "it's just that I feel the same way."

"And tell me," he replied softly, "what could one as young as you have grown to regret so deeply?"

"My own behavior, Master." She sighed. "I got tired of others misunderstanding my differences, so I found ways to simply avoid them, rather than attempt to get along. I hate my life. I feel as though I have wasted my time here at the temple."

"How can you call it wasted?" He asked sensibly, "have you not learned anything?"  
She snorted, "well, I haven't learned everything my teachers wanted me to know. I am tired of them trying to cram all of their silly ideas of what they think the Force is, and any time I try to say differently, they don't listen. They just dismiss me like I'm some ignorant child. It makes no sense!"

Qui-gon nodded thoughtfully. This conversation was beginning to sound like one of his many arguments with the council. "I can understand your feelings on that matter, but I don't see how you can call it a waste. You must have learned many great things despite your different point of view."

"No, Master Jinn." She countered respectfully, "It is not our different point of views that have made my time here a waste. It is the failure to discuss them that has become a problem, and the failure is on my part. Because of my own stubbornness, I have lost all trust in my mentors and peers. I may become a Jedi by name someday, but I will never be one in heart. All of the hard work and effort has been in vain."

As he stared into the girl's eyes, he saw into her heart and understood her feelings of hopelessness. Not only had the girl seen herself for what she truly was, as all must do to reach a level of inner maturity, but she had taken it a step further and saw her faults and how they could be fixed. All she needed to do now was to make the change. Despite the clear maturity she showed, she was still too young to know what to do with it. He suddenly smiled at her, causing her to frown with confusion.

"I am impressed." He said. "Don't you see that you contradict yourself with that statement?"

She held his thoughtful stare, but shook her head, "I don't understand…"

"You have your whole life in front of you. In time, you will learn." He smiled and nodded, indicating the now bright morning sky. "I think that it is time you should get going, young Rashta."

The girl bowed deeply to him; her eyes reflecting the morning light as she met his gaze.

"Thank you for your time, Master", she replied solemnly. She then turned and walked away, heading toward the temple dormitory, a light skip in her step this time.


End file.
